Weak, pathetic, why do you tell me?

I absolutely hate this. I hate feeling like I'm out of it. I hate feeling like I'm an annoyance. I know I'm not, but some thing inside me tells me that I am. The thing that makes me apologize 2334690345 times a day even though I know it is not my fault. The thing that blames myself. Why? I don't know. This isn't depression because I don't go emotional. Well I do, but I don't tell anyone. I hate people thinking I'm sad because I think, even though I don't notice it, I strive to become the girl people look at as always smiling, carefree, easy going, no problem in her life kind of girl. That is one load of non-sense because people like that really don't exist. I hate to break it though. I love it when people say I'm always smiling. I love it when I am asked advice because people think I get along so great with everyone. Why? Because I am peaceful. I try to stay away from trouble even though a lot of times I may be at the heart of it. But every once in awhile, I feel stupid, annoying, UGLY, FAT. This is the time when I try not to eat. When I want to improve myself. I know I'm not fat. But the thing is, I have fat and I don't want it there. It disgusts me during these times more than ever. I'm going to just try to make it go away.