What are you trying to say?

Okay so, I've been having weird dreams lately. Well, it's not lately. I've always had weird dreams, but it's been very frequent. Extremely frequent, like every night? But the thing is, I also talk to Lanny every night. It's not that it's a bad thing, I LOVE talking to him. It's just.. I know it's bad. I need to sleep early and focus on school, but I can't resist not talking to him. And the dreams .. I don't know what they're saying. One of my dreams had Mis in it.. and it was very awkward. I've learned a lot about Lanny ... but I feel like he'll become bored of me. I don't know how to explain it? He told me about girls he's liked, and then finding out that they're not what he expected them to be. So, what if I'm not what he expects from me? What does he expect from me anyways? What if he has high expectations? Yeah. I don't know what to do. Also, I know something about him that I shouldn't know, and I was told to keep it a secret. But lately, it's been bothering me. Honestly...it's hard to like someone who doesn't know the direction of their life. Or what is going to happen in the next two months. I know I have this.. ability to make people feel special. I know it. People have told me about how I am able to make someone extremely happy, to the point that they'd want to stay around me and become attached just to continue that happiness. However, once I stop whatever I do, it makes them feel miserable. I don't know what I am doing.. how to use it .. and I certainly don't want people feeling miserable. I don't know what to do.

-Sh.

Give me some peace please!

Okay so I know I haven't posted in awhile, but it's not that I had nothing to rant about, it's that I didn't have time. So remember Mis and Lanny? Well, Mis ended up doing some pretty unbelievable and wrong things, therefore causing me to completely end it with him. Do I still have feelings for him? I do not think so. Lanny on the other hand is on the phone with me this very moment. We've become very close and awknowledge our attractions towards eachother. Yeah. So it bothers me that he has had so many things with other girls though. That just means that whatever he does for me, he's probably already have done for another girl in the past. Like when he puts his arms around me, he's done it a million times before in the past. It's late, edit later. Bye!
-Sh.

Weak, pathetic, why do you tell me?

I absolutely hate this. I hate feeling like I'm out of it. I hate feeling like I'm an annoyance. I know I'm not, but some thing inside me tells me that I am. The thing that makes me apologize 2334690345 times a day even though I know it is not my fault. The thing that blames myself. Why? I don't know. This isn't depression because I don't go emotional. Well I do, but I don't tell anyone. I hate people thinking I'm sad because I think, even though I don't notice it, I strive to become the girl people look at as always smiling, carefree, easy going, no problem in her life kind of girl. That is one load of non-sense because people like that really don't exist. I hate to break it though. I love it when people say I'm always smiling. I love it when I am asked advice because people think I get along so great with everyone. Why? Because I am peaceful. I try to stay away from trouble even though a lot of times I may be at the heart of it. But every once in awhile, I feel stupid, annoying, UGLY, FAT. This is the time when I try not to eat. When I want to improve myself. I know I'm not fat. But the thing is, I have fat and I don't want it there. It disgusts me during these times more than ever. I'm going to just try to make it go away.

This is pointless.

So, Sam. Today he sethis clothes on fire for the heck of it and told Tina, who told me. I was kind of relieved that he told her instead of me, but then he called and .. yeah. Why would you tell someone? To get attention?! This is really frustrating.

OKAY. So I think two guys think I have a thing with them, but really I only have a thing with one of them... Mis. Yeah, Lanny.. I don't know. Sometimes I'm convinced that I really do like him! WHAT DO I DOO..

I'm a jerk

Oh man. I totally blew it today. I had one of the most tired and crankiest days of my life. I HATE talking about problems, I HATE gossipping, I HATE when friends fight, I HATE fakes. So when I went to work with my group today, one of my members needed a ride home. Well, it was my friend whom I called in for a favor who was taking me home, and I really did not want to bother him even more, however I asked anyways and he had said yes. Then Eric asked and I told him that he could come if Alex didn't, however I did not expect him to give in like that. Yeah. Well, I totally screwed up. I feel like such a jerk.

Can you not?

So remember Lanny? I talk to him a lot more now. Kind of? I don't think I have a crush on him. I might find him attractive, but not a crush? Why? Guys who tell everyone everything is just stupid. I mean, it's okay for small things, but man, keep some things to yourself. I can't help but think he's been trying to spread rumors about me. Moving on...
Sam has been complaining about his family. It's "dysfunctional." Well look, you're not the only one. My family is pretty bad too, but you don't hear me complaining to you. I know that people have different ways of venting, but when you make it seem like you're the only person with that type of issue, it's just like.. Can you not? It irritates me like no other.
I hate how everyone in my family always suspects me of talking to friends or something rather than schoolwork. It makes me have to sneak just to talk to someone. ISN'T THAT STUPID?! I think that I should be able to talk to who ever I want to without having to worry about anyone of my family members watching to see if I am doing homework. I mean, I don't even talk anymore, however they seem to catch me when I'm asking my classmates a question. Like, a serious honest question, and they go ballistic. I don't even know anymore. I don't want to deal with them sometimes.
I'm trying to stop talking to Lanny, but it's hard. Like the saying "Don't make someone a priority if to them you're just a choice." But sometimes, he makes it seem like he really wants to talk to me, other times I feel like I'm just... there. Like, why am I talking to you?

I kind of wish people in the world would hide their depression, sadness, and worry. I mean.. I do it. So why can't they? If you knew me in real life, you would not believe that I wrote this bs.

-Sh.

I just realized, I already posted about the guy once. Lanny....